For the past few days, our little boys have been pushing and pulling me in the direction I have needed to go all week. Every time I have allowed dark thoughts to enter my mind while Jason was completing his steroid treatment I needed to place my fears in God’s hands. I tried, but I continually felt myself slipping down the path of anxiety, uncertainty, and self doubt. I started to question, “Is this what it would be like without Jason here anymore?” I started to wonder if I could handle it all on my own without him. Those thoughts coupled with a lot of additional stresses made me feel like this week was unraveling faster than I could keep up.
At times throughout this journey, when things are going well, I have felt God’s clear presence. But I am ashamed to admit, when difficulties have arisen, I have sometimes felt as if He has stepped away for the moment. Why do I allow my weakness to sometimes consume me at my lowest points?
I am thankful three very wise little boys helped bring me back. Their comments about God have been especially abundant lately, almost as if God is trying to hit me over the head. He’s giving me a little: “Hello, I’m still here! Why do you doubt Me when even the youngest mind can grasp the depth of my love and greatness?”
The boys reminded me to pray before meals, asked to go to Mass, and came up with various questions leading me to discuss God with them. Caleb has been taking swimming lessons and is now obsessed with being able to swim in the deep end of the pool. He wanted to know if Jesus could go to the bottom of the deep end and then quickly come back to the surface without any trouble. It the mist of asking, he corrected himself and said, “Wait, Jesus can WALK on water, he doesn’t sink!!”
If you think about it, no one goes to the bottom of the deep end of life without Jesus bringing them back to the surface.
I don’t know what I would do without my kids, and I only hope I can continue to teach them as much about God as they have helped me to learn about Him.
For Father’s Day, I wrote this for Jason. Every year since his diagnosis, I have been so thankful he’s been able to spend another one here with us.
One day Mommy will explain to us so we can understand
How difficult it was to walk in your shoes without knowing God’s entire plan.
Someday she will let us know how
you fought to live each day
With patience, hope and love
Despite being told you wouldn’t likely stay.
Most days you didn’t feel full strength
but you’d never know by looking in your eyes.
You gave your best, held the fight
and took us by surprise.
Your battle at times caused much stress,
so much so you felt pinned.
But on those days lessons were still taught
about letting go and forgiving each other’s sins.
We never knew to thank you
for how much energy it took
To coach our teams,
Play some catch,
Or even read 10 books!
When we’d ask, you would tell us,
“Yes, Daddy is still sick.
But boys don’t worry I’ll always be
found within your heart so quick.
This life on Earth is not perfect, everyone knows this is true.
Good people will suffer, but those who know HIM will always make it through.
Daddy keep fighting forward on, carrying our love inside you.
You’ll never know how deep it goes, but you can forever try to.
Your Little Men